Pre-lit Christmas

Every year around the Christmas holiday I get a little mushy thinking about my husband. We met just before Christmas 17 years ago....wow it seems like it was yesterday!

I was a single momma working 2 jobs when I met Ted. If our memory serves us correctly, we met Dec 17, and when Ted proposed on New Year's Eve, I said yes....can you believe that?!

With 2 little girls at home, missing their mom as it was, we didn't go out on many dates, Ted just started to hang out with us; helping me cook, reading stories to the girls, playing barbies etc. Some of my fondest memories of the beginning of our relationship are sitting in my living room in my dinky apartment with the Christmas tree lights flashing talking, talking and talking some more.

I love Christmas and I love live Christmas trees. The first year Ted and I were married, I did what I had always done, borrowed my dad's truck, went to the Christmas tree farm with the girls and picked out the fullest tree we could find.

When Ted got home from work I had the tree in the house already and the tree stand all ready for Ted to help me set it up. The look on his face was priceless....I remember him saying "we have a real tree?????" as if it was the most crazy idea ever.

At one time Ted's family may have had a live tree, but in the later years of life, (Ted's dad was 50 when Ted was born) they had an artificial tree, so Ted had no knowledge of setting up the tree, but as I left for choir practice, he vowed that he would attempt to set up the tree.

I started to giggle as I pulled into the driveway and saw the VERY crooked tree through the front window. I tried to keep my face straight as I walked in to a very frustrated husband sitting on the floor in front of the tree.

Upon closer inspection, I saw that my tree was being held up with bungee cords stretched across the room and attached to window sills and things. Try as I might, the eyebrows raised, and I'm sure the "not good enough" look crept onto my face.

Ted claims I picked the world's most crooked tree. If he could chime in here he would tell you that the tree trunk had a 90 degree angle...I have yet to hear the end of it for picking a bad tree.

I'll admit, it wasn't the easiest job, but I spent the following day getting that tree set up minus the bungee cords, and it turned into the most beautiful tree we've ever had. Every visitor and neighbor commented on how great the tree looked....it was truly a beauty.

Today I set up my pre-lit Christmas tree. Once I started my own business, I ran out of time for the live tree set up. Each year as I set up the pre-lit I mourn the live trees of years ago, and it occurs to me today that we have become a society that wants everything EASY and quick

Even in our relationship with God, we want to have those quick prayers, and spend an hour at church on Sunday (you know when the pastor is preaching longer than an hour and everyone is checking their watch? heaven forbid we spend more than an hour a week in worship of our God!)

Why do we as Christians let ourselves believe that easy always = good and hard always = bad? It occurs to me that sometimes the hard things will produce the better results. When you put some time into something, it's just sweeter in the end. You can see the rewards of your time and effort. and there is greater satisfaction.

Isn't it the same with God? The more we study His character, and those stories in the old testament that show us how God worked, the sweeter our relationship with God becomes. The more time we spend in God's word, and in daily relationship with Him, the more in awe we will become, the more we will grow to love him and our faith will increase.

I know how hard it is to get 5 days worth of homework done for this bible study, but so many women are telling me that it is SO WORTH the time and effort. We are growing closer to our Father, and he is blessing our study each week. Praise Him for that!

Maybe next year I'll ditch the pre-lit Christmas and go back to the real Christmas tree that I loved so much. I think it will be worth the extra work.

In our small town?!

Unless you live under a rock, you have probably heard about a home invasion and attempted rape that happened right in our little town of DeMotte.

Yesterday the kids were forwarding a picture of the suspect via text message on their cell phones. Have you seen the picture? If you want to see it follow this link: http://kvonline.info/articles/2008/11/20/news/news01.txt

When my daughter showed the picture to me last night, it took my breath away...the picture shows what is in my view a boy. Not a creepy looking old guy, no... this kid looks like every other high school kid to me.

My heart goes out to the woman in the story. She is my same age, and to wake up with a strange guy in her bedroom?....she must be devastated, how will she ever sleep soundly again?!

But my heart also weeps for this person who looks like a kid that somehow in life didn't learn the boundaries. What kind of breakdown in the family system must have occured to make this kid think his behavior was okay. I just have to wonder.....who hurt him so that now he wants to hurt others? Or maybe he's from a perfectly normal family and his addictions make his terrible actions seem okay in his warped mind.

While a little bit of fear has crept into my normally secure home over this would be rapist on the loose, I am more concerned about the state of our children in general. With all the killing and mayhem any kid can watch on prime time TV any hour of the day, and with video games that promote killing and picking up hookers in most houses, is it really any wonder our society is turning out kids who don' t know how to behave?

Don't get me wrong, I'm not giving anyone an excuse for horrible behavior, but I am taking a little closer look today at what is seen and heard in my house. As for the boy in that police sketch who is accused of rape, I can not fix him, I can not save him, all I can do is pray that somehow this kid will first of all get clean, see the errors of his way, and come to salvation. But I can do something in my house, for my kids, even though they think they are grown, I am still the mom. Tonight will be a cleansing, and my husband will be happy to know that I will no longer be on the side of our kids who bug him constantly about getting satellite tv. The 3 channels we currently get are bad enough.

Let's pray for not only the victim in this horrible situation, but also for this kid who is accused of doing something so vile.

Praise to God for a Living Hope

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, and into an inheritance that can never perish, spoil, or fade-kept in heaven for you, who through faith are shieldedby God's power until the coming of the salvation that is ready to be revealed in the last time. In this you greatly rejoice though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith-of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire may be proven genuine and may result in praise, golory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, for you are receiving the goal of your faith, the salvation of your souls. 1 Peter 1:3-9

I was thinking to myself...what posesses me to post my personal issues on the World Wide Web for all to read???

Well, here's the deal...I don't really like having you all know how weak I am, but today I am glad that I can tell you all this: Last night I became "me" again. Happy, joyful, fun, and friendly me. I'm telling you none of the things that had me so up in arms yesterday have been resolved, my kids are still growing up, I didn't move into my dream house, and well I am happy to report that SmartyPants had a really good day, and maybe we won't end the month down afterall.

NOTHING has changed in my surrounding, but that joy that comes only from God has returned, because I know that every moment of my life is ordained for his glory. I know that although I try to do everything myself, he is right there waiting for me to trust him. He truly carries the burden when I let him.

Thank you Lord that your mercies are new each morning, or each evening, even minute to minute I think. Thank you that you hold me up because I am too weak to stand on my own. This world isn't offering a whole lot of peace and joy these days, but Father you have given to us your Son; King of Kings, Lord of Lords, Prince of Peace and I humbly thank you.

wow

Unconfessed sin....carrying around all my "garbage" and not giving it over to God...trying to be superwoman....over committing and then getting upset when everything isn't perfect...avoiding the truth...

Feeling overwhelmed...mourning losses...fearing change...losing sleep....giving up in defeat...

It's been an interesting morning. Yesterday at bible study a friend told me about her excellent health report from the cardiologist. This excellent report was in large part if not totally due to my friend's exercise at Curves. Praise the Lord!

It got me thinking back to maybe 5 or more years ago when I was on a health kick. I walked 4 miles at least 5 times a week, did tae bo, yoga, pilates, weight training, step aerobics, you name it in my basement too. Ate healthy. I felt amazing. I remember waking up to stiff muscles and thinking oh that feels so good! Knowing I had challenged myself and pushed myself to be healthier gave me great satisfaction.

I was thinking it's been a LONG time since I even walked around the block, probably a month. And eating healthy?.....let's just not go there okay?!

So this morning I put on some layers and what my family refers to as my "happy place hat" because it's furry and fun and every time I put it on I act like a wierdo. And I headed out to at least feel that my heart can pump blood through it.

I rounded the first corner, and tears started to stream from my eyes. Didn't even feel it coming, but there it was a little meltdown.

In yesterday's video teaching and in our 5 days of homework the idea of unconfessed sin was discussed. I wasn't sure what that meant. I think I ask for forgiveness every time I pray so I was thinking....I'm good. Until Beth Moore said something about throwing ourselves onto God. Her daughter had prayed "I offer myself to you Lord" and then realized the state she was in, and she changed that prayer to "I throw myself onto you Lord".

And then as we closed the teaching, we had a time of silent confession...Beth Moore urged us TELL GOD tell Him about your mess, tell Him who has done you wrong, tell Him how you feel, TELL HIM!

I was getting a better picture of what she meant by unconfessed sin, but I wasn't ready to face God that way. Until I left the quiet and comfort of my house this morning, and there on the road in the neighborhood I just moved to, there it was on my heart so heavy I couldn't ignore it.

All that "stuff" I hope you don't mind, I have to call it crap, it is the only word that works in this situation, just a load of crap weighing me down. Stuff I think I can deal with on my own, until it all backs up and my shoulders are so tight and my neck so stiff I could barely lift my head off my pillow this morning...felt like I had whiplash.

Have you ever had whiplash? I got it once when I was in two accidents in one day in GR Michigan. That's a story for another day. Anyway, your brain sends the message to lift your head off the pillow, but the neck muscles or the spine or whatever just simply does not cooperate, it's wierd.

So there it was pouring out of me, stuff I didn't know was bothering me.

On the surface, I am overwhelmed by too much on my calander. I was incredibly frustrated yesterday as I told the morning group that we would not meet for study the month of December and some women didn't think that was a good idea. I had spent a lot of time and made several phone calls trying to work out the best scenario, but try as I might, I can not please everyone. There are over 55 women who come to WIW and accomodating everyone's needs is overwhelming me to say the least. I practically snapped at one woman who I love very much and I hope she is reading this and accepts my sincere apology....it wasn't you Lauri, it was me...I'm truly in over my head these days.

If you had asked me yesterday, that would have been my story, I'm too busy, I'm overwhelmed, I am weak and I can't handle the responsibility.

This morning God showed me all kinds of things that are REALLY tossing around in me that I have not asked God's help with. You know the superwoman thing...I can handle it I can handle it I can handle it....maybe, but I'm not handling it well.

I'm just going to tell you some of my issues, I don't know why I am sharing this stuff but maybe someone reading this is about to explode like I am, and maybe something I say will help you see what's got you crazy and you can take it to God or throw it onto God like I did this morning.

I am missing my house. Can you believe how shallow I am? Ok, it's not the house, we lived there 14 years, it was cozy and cute and comfortable and it was HOME. I miss the hardwood floors and I miss my 50s kitchen and the 4 inch moulding...I miss it.

I don't like living in a neighborhood. I hate looking outside and seeing railroad tracks...hate it. I want to be back on the farm. I want to open a curtain and see the woods, the sky, the corn, I don't want to look at the neighbor's car and I sure don't want to hear their thumping bass music every minute...I want to hear those birds squawking at 6 am. I miss them, I miss nature, I miss the country.

I hate that my son lives in the basement. He seems to actually prefer living down there, but I hate it. It's ugly.

I hate it that there is no bedroom for my college daughter....and while we're on this subject...I hate it that she doesn't live at home anymore. I hate it that she's grown up. I hate it that I can't see her every day. I know the alternative is failure for her, I know she's succeeding in life and YES that is what I want, but I don't want to let her go. She is my baby, she is my world. When things were so very screwed up and wrong in my life her face and her smile were the ONLY thing there was to live for. I can picture her standing in front of the refrigerator 6 cracked eggs at her feet one oozing between her fingers and this look on her face saying "check this out these things are so cool!" She always made me laugh.

I could never have predicted how hard it is to let go of her. We fought most of her high school life. She is so much like me that we can't agree on anything, know what I mean?! So why is it so painful with her gone?

And then there is Ashley. The heart and soul of our family. Everyone's best friend, the cheerleader, the encourager, the sunshine every morning. The one who tells the jokes and gets the laughs, the one who cares and loves. I took her on a college visit this week. Guess what, I hate it that she's graduating. I hate it that she won't live with me either. I don't want her to go. I will miss her. It feels like my arms are being cut off. I had no idea it would feel like this.

And the baby Joshua...he's in high school. At the moment he isn't causing me too much grief, I've still got him under my wing...but don't even talk to me in a few years. I didn't sign him up for preschool until Ted MADE me do it. I doubt sending him into the world will be any easier than it is with the girls. And he's talking military after high school....yeah, let's just not even talk about that now.

My FAMILY is changing. I guess I'm having a very difficult time accepting that. I didn't realize I was, but as I got it out to God this morning, there it was, I'm scared, I'm sad, I'm helpless to stop the days from passing until we are all seperated.

The last 3 weeks have been the worst weeks in 5 years at SmartyPants. I think the recession is finally hitting us. Until this month, we had an increase from year to year. Unless there is a miracle in the next week, we will show a decrease. Who cares right? I realize that smartypants has become part of me. If it fails, I've failed. Not great thinking but there it is. I'm failing!!!!

I've had nothing but employee drama, and major mistakes have been made in pricing and dealing with customers, oh and one was stealing, that doesn't help either. I hate being the boss, I really hate firing people. I want to do nothing for a week, stay in my pajamas on the couch.

Ashley texted me asking how the store did yesterday. I told her I was ready to close it up. She said OH NO, you aren't going out like that, we don't fail mom. She's right, we don't fail. So facing the day wondering if people are going to shop is hard. Failing in business is not failing in life but I'm scared of failure. I don't want to fail. So the pressure is on to figure something out, find a way to attract customers...yeah, no easy task when the world is broke.

As I type this, I just got done ringing up a huge sale, and my customer raved about the shop on and on....thank you God for this bit of encouragement.

These things weigh on me, and this is just the tip of the iceberg....I have tried to just face them alone, you know, giving myself pep talks, yes praying about them a little, but just the surface, as if God can't see right thru me anyway, I haven't been willing to let it go. I always think I need to deal with my own crap.

I praise you God for showing me my own heart today. I know that all of this is part of your plan for me, and I believe that your plan is perfect. Yeah, I guess I'm throwing myself onto you for mercy today, and I know that you will cover me. Thank you.

Turn your eyes upon Jesus

Well, it's always interesting to learn that when I feel completely overwhelmed by life, there are many others right there with me feeling the same way.

Is it the approach of the Christmas season that has us stressing? Watching the calander fill up, writing lists of things we'll need to purchase and wondering where all the money will come from to pay for it, or maybe it's the gloomy weather.

I spent the beginning of this week praying for a new attitude. I knew I needed a fix, but I wanted it quick, and you guys might have noticed, I'm not a great listener, I generally like to do the talking. So pray as I might, that quick fix just didn't happen.

I love facilitating WIW studies at church but this lousy attitude had started to creep into me and had so overtaken my normally cheerful self that even people at my shop were worried and asking what was wrong. Am I that transparent?!

I'm guessing the main root of my problem is this cold I have that just wants to make me stay in bed all day. Nonetheless, I headed to bible study Tuesday night knowing full well the women would see right through me. Just before we started the lesson I popped what I thought was a normal cough drop into my mouth only to discover as I tried to say tabernacle and it came out taberblabble that what I had put into my mouth was a chloriseptic drop which would numb my tongue and throat. Lovely.

So with a lousy attitude and a completely numb tongue I bumbled my way thru the first bit of study until we came to the question that dealt with our "pitchers" getting empty, making us unable to "wash the feet of others". And the conversations just flowed. We are all feeling overwhelmed or have been in the recent past. We all get in over our heads and we all struggle to keep a focus on what is important. We skip our one on one God time because we think we are too busy, and then we throw up our hands in distress over how empty we feel. Have mercy on us Lord, we are so human.

Wednesday morning the conversation turned the same way (perhaps I led it that way?) we're all just too busy, and all the busy work sucks the joy from our lives. One of the women in the group who I admire more than she'll ever know, simply walked up to me silently, and handed me a piece of scrap paper:
Being
Under
Satan's
Yoke

Oh yes, that is exactly how it feels. I want to cheerfully serve in my church, work in my shop, sing in the choir, watch my daughter's basketball games, help my son with his homework, cook, clean, do laundry but the yoke seems really heavy at the moment, I am too busy and in my view there is nothing I can stop doing to make me less busy.

So yesterday after bible study I went home, turned off my phone (wow right?!) and slept for 2 hours on the couch. When I woke up I started humming the hymn;
Turn your eyes upon Jesus,
Look full in His wonderful face,
and the things of earth
will grow strangely dim
in the light of His glory and grace.

Oh yes, there it was, the truth in a song. So strage that I can hear the same thing thru the Bible, words spoken by my fellow believers and in my heart I already knew the answer, but somehow there it was, just how I needed to hear it.

I can't stop living in this world, I can't hide from my responsibilities, and I can't be a crab forever.

The only thing I can do is turn to Jesus, and bask in the light of His glory.

Praise God I feel "normal" today well except for the stuffy head and soar throat but somehow it seems tolerable today. Thank you to The Great Physician who knows when we hurt and how to heal us.

Be careful what you pray for

This week's video teaching for "A Woman's Heart; God's dwelling place" by Beth Moore was certainly a "thinker" for me. Indeed I say that every single week, I think because I know I will watch it twice, so the first time I hear what is said, and then I have a sometimes sleepless night to contemplate what I've heard before I head back to church and watch the video the second time...then it really starts to mean something to me.

There are several issues that I could ramble on about from this particular video, but I'll just stick to one for now.

I do not have my workbook in front of me right now, I'm at work, and I'll just admit this is a great time for me to get computer stuff done b/c it looks like I'm "working" if I'm typing feverishly on the keyboard. Anyway, here is the gist of it. In Exodus 33 Moses asks God to show him His glory, and God answers him by saying I will show you my goodness. Okay, like I said I don't have my workbook with me, and I'm no Beth Moore in the transliteration department, but in the original Hebrew language the words used in that passage, God's goodness, and His glory are interchangeable.

In our group we talked about things we hear often from Christians, we say things like; "be careful what you pray for" or "don't pray to God for patience because He'll make you go thru something difficult to increase your patience". Is it risky to ask God to show us His glory? As believers we really shouldn't be saying things like this. What we are saying is... well we want to see your glory God but on our terms and we don't want to have anything bad happen to us, and don't make us suffer but yeah, show us your glory k?

Now why would we do that? My way of doing things can never compare to what God can do....those things we say.....are not exactly huge statements of faith are they?

So maybe I've missed the mark here, but what if we as Christians accepted that God's glory is interchangeable for goodness. What I'm saying is, I've seen situations that bring glory to God that I would not have characterized as God's "goodness". One harsh example is when a child dies, if his parents believe that the child is in heaven, and they keep their faith in God, that brings glory to God...but would we ever say the death of a child was an example of God's goodness?!

Or struggles in my own life, I would never have characterized them as God's goodness, not in a million years, but in the end, realizing my sins, confessing them and now serving God brings Him glory...so what I'm saying is I'm feeling this attitude adjustment coming on for me. Some of the worst times in my life where some of the best examples of God's goodness and glory.

I don't think I'm articulating this thought very well, but maybe some of you will relate to what I'm trying to say. All I know for me, is that something in my heart has changed this week. I see things in my own life and in the world at large a little differently today than I did yesterday. I love when God just flips a switch for me. A whole lot of heart changing comes slowly and sometimes it's a light bulb, you all know I'm not a terribly patient person, so I praise God today for the light bulb version this time.

The Rebel Church

I'm surprised at how many people I meet at Community Church who have had a time away from formal worship. For many of them, they had a period of sin in their lives, addiction, or some other "obvious" public sin, and they felt the judgement of church members. The end result was hurt feelings and a distaste for church.

I myself have experienced this same thing when I was an unwed pregnant teenager. In order to get married in the church, I had to appear before full council. I'm not sure what they called this meeting but I always felt as if I was confessing my sin to the elders. To this day it remains one of the hardest things I ever had to do.

I jumped through the hoops set before me in an effort to spare my parents even more shame if I didn't get married at all, or if I married at the justice of the peace. I stood in front of the long table filled with the faces of my friend's dads as they went around the table and each one got to say something to me.

I remember one of them saying, "I'm just making sure that you know what you did is a sin and God hates sin." Yes, I was already pretty aware that I had messed it all up...the disappointment on everyone's face was proof enough of that.

Just recently as I waited in line at the gas station I saw one of the elders I had to face over 20 years ago. He put his arm around my shoulders and said "how you doing Cath?". He asked about the kids and smiled warmly as I told him they were all great. Sometimes I wonder if he even remembers that day when I stood in front of council, I would guess he doesn't. Or maybe he does, and that is why this big grumpy guy takes time to say hi to me everytime I see him.

For me, what I felt as judgement by my church, sent me into a tailspin of guilt and regret. It was as if at that very moment I ceased being a chosen child of God. Even when I did attend church, I no longer believed I was part of the family of God, why would He want me as a member? That guilt then turned into blaming God for my problems and I was just done with it all...too much pain, too much guilt, it was easier to run away.

For others, as they tell their story of deep wounds inflicted by the church, the bitterness creeps back in, and in their words you can hear that there is still deep hurt.

So why do so many prodigal children end up at Community? Our pastor once called Community "the rebel church" from the pulpit. I thought, well no wonder we finally fit in here!!!!! I thank God for Community church. He has used the members of Community to heal some pretty deep scars that never would have healed if left unattended.

Whatever it is that makes Community the rebel church, I say keep up the good work. A whole lot of folks just like me end up worshiping and serving in that rebel church, Praise God!

As for me, I know of a prodigal child right now. I don't know for sure what to do or what to say, but after talking with some people who suffered deep wounds from feeling judged by their church, the Spirit has moved me to contact her. I will write her a note and tell her I'm thinking about her. Her current living situation doesn't jive with the way the Bible tells us to live. I am certain she is either feeling guilty or bitter. If God can heal my scars, He can heal hers too, and if I can be part of that, I'm going to do my best to reach her, and show her God's love.

Ted recently shared a sermon he heard on Moody radio, it was that pastor from Scotland...have you guys ever heard him? The point of his sermon was that as a church, the goal must be not to produce prodigal children. He talked about the tatooed and pierced, and the kids who don't look as if they fit in, and how so often those kids don't find acceptance at church and wind up taking a wrong path to feel accepted.

Community Church does a superb job in my opinion of loving everyone, Thank You God providing a place for the lost to feel your love, help us to be aware of those who are hurting and fill us with your love so that we can love even the sometimes unloveable. You are so good Lord.